Some events in life can trigger me. Making me feel as though everything I've worked for just crumbled at my feet. Old wounds opening, seeping puss and infection. Memories flooding back like day time nightmares. That is not even the worst part. The worst is the ANGER. Fierce, powerful, hot anger.
And yet, most times you will not know this is in me. I will act the same, carry on my duties, smile when spoken to, and so on. I will be the mother, wife, and friend I always try to be. But a on the inside part of me will be screaming. At times literally biting my tongue to hold it in. I may laugh a little louder, or hug a little harder to mute the insanity floating within. And you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of the exhausting effort it takes to be angry. The emotions it drains, and the moments it steals.
A few months ago I had a moment trigger me, and I was angry. Furious. But as I felt the exhaustion of carrying this burden I realized something. I realized I got so angry because I knew what was on the other side of that anger, . . sadness, heartbreak, loss. Sadness that felt too heavy to lift on my own. I was getting angry because I didn't know how to deal with the hurt. I didn't want to deal with it. It took too much effort to look at the scars, and bandage the wounds. It was easier to look at the frustrating side and react, than take time to heal.
God like the amazing Savior He is gently nudged my heart until I really looked, and accepted the hurt I had. I was reminded that we can't keep growing in Christ if we let things like anger, and resentment block our paths. Trust me they will. Christ wants more for us, . . .So much more.
So, after a lot of tearful prayers I took the time to bandage that wound. I'll be honest, it wasn't easy, and sometimes the process is still really hard. We become accustom to believing the lies that certain things don't bother us. We ignore rather than take it to the One who can heal. But here's the problem,. . . . how can we be 100% available to the calling on our life's, if we don't give 100%?
The reason I'm writing this, is I have come to terms I can no longer hold onto this anger anymore. And let me tell you, it feels so good to let it go. The more we grow with Christ, the more we need to let him heal these tough areas in our lives.
This is my truth. My journey. My choice, and I choose to let go. Will you join me? This is gonna be hard and we may feel raw, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
No one said the walk as Christian is easy, but the reward is so worth it.
Blessing, Devonne Ramer
And yet, most times you will not know this is in me. I will act the same, carry on my duties, smile when spoken to, and so on. I will be the mother, wife, and friend I always try to be. But a on the inside part of me will be screaming. At times literally biting my tongue to hold it in. I may laugh a little louder, or hug a little harder to mute the insanity floating within. And you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of the exhausting effort it takes to be angry. The emotions it drains, and the moments it steals.
A few months ago I had a moment trigger me, and I was angry. Furious. But as I felt the exhaustion of carrying this burden I realized something. I realized I got so angry because I knew what was on the other side of that anger, . . sadness, heartbreak, loss. Sadness that felt too heavy to lift on my own. I was getting angry because I didn't know how to deal with the hurt. I didn't want to deal with it. It took too much effort to look at the scars, and bandage the wounds. It was easier to look at the frustrating side and react, than take time to heal.
God like the amazing Savior He is gently nudged my heart until I really looked, and accepted the hurt I had. I was reminded that we can't keep growing in Christ if we let things like anger, and resentment block our paths. Trust me they will. Christ wants more for us, . . .So much more.
So, after a lot of tearful prayers I took the time to bandage that wound. I'll be honest, it wasn't easy, and sometimes the process is still really hard. We become accustom to believing the lies that certain things don't bother us. We ignore rather than take it to the One who can heal. But here's the problem,. . . . how can we be 100% available to the calling on our life's, if we don't give 100%?
The reason I'm writing this, is I have come to terms I can no longer hold onto this anger anymore. And let me tell you, it feels so good to let it go. The more we grow with Christ, the more we need to let him heal these tough areas in our lives.
This is my truth. My journey. My choice, and I choose to let go. Will you join me? This is gonna be hard and we may feel raw, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
No one said the walk as Christian is easy, but the reward is so worth it.
Blessing, Devonne Ramer
