Simply put, what are you replacing The Word in your life with? What are you filling  your head and heart with? Truth and grace, or narcissistic self love? We should all love ourselves, but are we putting our needs and desires before the Lords will for our life? Are we giving ourselves a pat on the back for our accomplishments, or are we thanking the Lord for our opportunities and gifts he has given us? Have we given God the backseat in our life? Do we need to take a moment and make sure He's driving?
James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. (NIV)

James 3:16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (NIV)
James 4:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving,considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
 You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.(ESV)

        Here I go again, crying. Why must I feel so much! Why can't I hold back the tears for one day?! How do I even have any tears left? I am mentally exhausting myself! Am I gonna be like this forever? Why! Why! Why! 
     That was my inner dialogue a few weeks ago. My frustration and anger were bubbling to the surface. Words sat unspoken around me. These are the moments that are the hardest. The days that I feel like a fraud. The days I question God. Not His existence, or love for me, but that I am good enough to be used for His glory. That my pain will help someone else. But when I get to the point where I want to throw in the towel, delete the blog, button up my lips, I am reminded of David. I feel a kinship towards him, understand him more. The pain in his heart, and confusion in his soul at times. It is as if his emotional cries reach my ears. The frustaration and unfairness of his situation at times. How God never left, but also in those moments I am sure David felt he could never be used for Gods glory. That he was just a human catastrophe like the rest of us, flawed and sinful. Yet what a beautiful story of redemption and forgiveness. 
       So what do we do when we feel raw and exposed? Use it for Gods glory, and cling to Him during the process. Remind your self of who you are in Christ. Remind yourself that you have purpose. That Gods divine plan is in work. Working through you. Working through me. That painful messy pasts can be turned into beautiful artwork  for His glory. And lastly, don't give up. Don't stop speaking truth. Don't stop loving the unlovable. Don't stop living. Don't let the lies of the enemy silence you. God gave you a voice. Use it.

      When you have lived a life as I have,((up to this point), changing daily thanks to God, therapy, my husband, and amazing friends), you teach yourself not to "feel" things. That if something "hurts", it is you that is the problem, not the situation. You just FEEL too much. That you are overreacting, and being "too" sensitive. Oh, and my personal favorite I used to use on myself all the time. . . "Just get over it!" (As if its that simple).
     These phrases used to all be part of my inner dialogue, and a major part of my believe system.
Some other lies I believed were, . . .
If you "feel" you hurt.
If you cry you are weak.
If you show emotions you will fail.
    No one told me these lies or forced them upon me. In fact, no one talked about emotions at all really, and you know what? We still don't.
    Even in  the church I feel we sugar coat some of our sadness and pain with this phrase especially, . . . "Well, so and so has it worse." Can I, just for a moment, let you know that there is no scale on emotional pain. If you hurt, you feel because you are alive. Yes, someone may have it worse, but that doesn't diminish your hurt. There is no scale! (blog post in the works on that one).
    First off, I do believe that God will help us, fight for us, and guide us. He also has an amazing ability to find something in a horrible events that can bring us clarity, or help us shine for Him even brighter. But if we thought about it for a moment, can we recognize that maybe sometimes we, or people we know, use statements to brush off, or aside the pain they are really feeling. And a lot of times we let them, cause lets be honest, sometimes emotions make us uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that so many of us apologize for them, (yes, I'm raising my hand, me too). There are many days that I wanna say bring on the Novocain, and numb it all up again. Because truth be told, feeling is hard,  messy, and gosh darn it hurts! But if I could remind you of a verse that the Lord has reminded me of time and time again lately, 
              John 11:35 Jesus wept.
  Yep, the Creator Himself "felt".
 I truly believe when we unnumb, and stop  apologizing for feeling, we can have a deeper relationship with Our Heavenly Father and who He created us to be.
         So what do you say?         
​     Will you start to feel with me?
     

       At some point or another in our lives we have all had to  answered this question. . . . "On a scale of one to ten what is your pain level?" Whether it was at a regular scheduled doctor appointment, or a scary ER visit. Where ever it has been, we have been instructed to answer with a number to rate our pain. Physical pain. The scale is our own, and the number we pick is of our own choosing. But what about emotional pain? How do we rate that? Can we? In the next few paragraphs I am going to share with you why I believe it is dangerous to rate this type of pain. 
       The solution to this problem might not be so easy. We can't just tell ourselves to stop doing something we have done for so long that it has becomes second nature. Why do I feel this habit is concerning? Because when we convincing ourselves that our "feelings" are not as painful because someone else has it worse than us we make ourselves feel uncared for. Then if we have times where we allow ourselves "feel" these emotions, we end up heaping on the  guilt because our pain level is only a 5 and so and so has a 10.
        An example of how I personally would deal with this was, I would feel an emotion. I would refuse or deny myself to "feel" it. Pushing it down deep within me. When that stopped working and it would rear its ugly head again, I would have this inner dialogue.
        "I'm so selfish. Others have it so much worse. At least my pain is not physical. I can not believe how weak I am in my faith that I am so emotional.". Then I would wrap up my self berating with a catchy Christian phrase for example "Let go and let God".
       Here's the thing, I truly believed I was being a good Christian in doing this, and I worry a lot of us are doing the same. We Christians take it a step further convincing ourselves that if our faith was stronger we wouldn't feel the hurt we are experiencing. Or we can tend to think we are being prideful in looking at our pain when others have a higher rating than us.  
             But here was the problem that I faced/ or rather never faced. The more I ignored the hurt, the more unseen and unloved I felt. By trying to rate my pain by comparing it to others, it was like I was ignoring a fester wound. In trying ignorance I was actually making it bigger and more painful. It was out of self loathing and misguided happy quotes that I thought I was being a good Christian. It wasn't just the pain itself but the inability to feel, and take it to the Lord.  As it says in Psalms 68:19  . . . . "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." He will carry them, but we must bring them to Him. To verbalize it and heal, not compare so we can judge ourselves more harshly..   
     I have sat with a few grieving friends in my life time. The reactions are very similar, they have all at one point apologized for crying.  Let me ask you, why are we so ashamed of our emotional tears? Why do we think that we need to "get over it"?  I have been thinking on this for several months, of how I treat my emotions. How I have hid them many times, ashamed of any reminder that they were still present and looming. Then I started thinking about Jesus's tears. How he openly wept when His dear friend Lazarus passed. His tears over His upcoming future. He cried. He felt. And he certainly didn't apologize for His tears either.
      Why do we get so embarrassed when we cry in front of another? Why do we apologize when we feel? For feeling? Because we were created with emotions, (like our Savior), and sometimes they spill to the surface. 
         For me, what ended up happening was that I felt ignored and resentful, because I was ignoring myself. I told myself that everyone had it worse in one way, or another so it would be selfish to feel sad, angry, or hurt. Oh yeah, and I had brainwashed myself into believing ​ that if I felt anything but peace I wasn't very strong in my faith.
       Lies, lies, and more lies. At any point when we look at the world we are going to see some type of emotional pain out there.  Why do we believe that it makes ours less important. It doesn't make us selfish for feeling our pain. It doesn't lower our "rating."
       Now why do I believe this is important? Because emotional pain is real, and it can hinder us if we don't acknowledge it to heal.
     I know this is my path, and my story. If this helps even one person it is so worth sharing all my flaws and imperfections, even if that person is just me. 
 
​Much love and prayers my friends.



        

      "OK, we get it. Enough already, you have issues. You have shared enough! SHUT UP ALREADY!!"
      This is the inside me voice. The one that sits in the back high on its pedestal judging. Judging all my words and actions. "Play the part. Walk the line." The voice that says. . ." you're making it all about you. You talk too much.  Shut up already." It vocalizes the doubt I may feel. Hugs the self hatred I hide.  Makes it about earning instead of grace given.  The old me. The one who lacked self esteem. The one who needed approval.
     Yes, I deal with this voice too. But it's just a voice, not a soul. It doesn't speak truth. Just talks. So on the days when it tries to speak up. Or when I doubt and start to listen to it, I will choose to remember why I share my story. Why I am open. Why I air my messy life on the internet.
    GRACE! Because of redemption! Because I know how to silence fear now. FAITH. Faith in action. Each time I share, each time I post, I am speaking truth. I am believing in grace. I am punching fear in the face and saying, "NO!" I will not be silent!" I will not pretend that just because I am a Christian I have it together. I will not let the fake me rise again, because I like the real me. I might even love her some day soon, and I believe she is loved. Not because of anything I have done, or will do but what the Savior in heaven has done for me. I hurt, and I  bleed. I get confused, feel sad and feel angry. The point is I feel. I have fallen on my face before, and I will again. But next time while I'm down there, . . I will look up. I will sing of His praises. I will pray. I will feel without believing lies. I will live. I will love, and I will share. 
      I want people to know they are not alone. That anyone can break. Anyone can fall. God will pick you up no matter how many times. With grace. With love. With patience. So as I share, or overshare in these blog posts or face to face. Do not look at me, but the One who rescued me. Saved me. Loves me. Lay down His life for me. For you.

 I write my story. My life. To heal and encourage those who need it. A reminder that there is light. There is help. There is a God. One God, and He is calling you.
 

           I found her! Can you believe it? She was here all along!    Apparently she had been hiding for quite a while. Silenced by her doubt. She thought I didn't want to hear her. I guess if I'm honest I didn't for awhile. It wasn't her fault. I comfort her with that thought. But guess what, if I hadn't broke I wouldn't have found her.  She and I are becoming good friends. Our thoughts intertwine. We weed through the bad and good, then laugh or cry, and finally we heal and move on. We have realized we don't have to protect our heart anymore. We have a Saviors that has that job covered. We talk a lot now. We come up with ideas, some random, some have heart, some silly. That's us. That's me. Because we are one.  I'm learning to like me, spend time with me, . . . be me. The me I was created to be. And in turn saying good bye to her. I don't need her anymore. It's a process. It's long and tiring, and at times I wanna throw in the towel and tell her to come back and numb the feelings.  But I'm starting to realize that numbing makes it hurt worse when you feel it. So, we have talked. Said our good byes. And with open eyes I am seeing . . . .
          Seeing things that I like about me. Seeing my army around me. Seeing God use me even through this storm. I am also learning. Learning to breath.  To feel. To just be. (Probably one of the hardest things for me during this process.) 
       Through this process so far I have been blessed to gain a greater understanding of grace, forgiveness, and acceptance. I am learning to be me. Like me.  I know I am have not completed the  journey, but I am choosing to look at how far I've come, instead of how much further I have to go.  I know, without a doubt that I will eventually be able to say with confidence I love me.   
        So here I am vulnerable and learning to be ok with it. Feeling the feelings. So, . . . I may hug more, cry more, overshare, and it may make you uncomfortable. I apologize in advance if it does. But I found her, and set her free. And in that freedom I am becoming who the Lord created me to be. 

       Much love friends. Whatever part of life's journey you are on, you have my prayers and a God that handle anything. 

     There are moments in life where we feel we have it together, and then there are the moments where we have no idea what we are doing. We bounce from thought to thought with no direction. Even our moments sometimes feel as if they have slowed. We at time find it hard to communicate our thoughts or feelings. Feeling numb and raw at the same time. Not sure where we are suppose to go emotionally or physically. But there is a constant in this hazy fog we are in, . . . .God. He is unchanging and unwavering. He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow. We can not shock Him, He sees it before it has happened. His love is a constant even when we are a drift. It doesn't mean we won't ever feel foggy or confused. That our eyes won't push our tears beyond our control. But He is still there. He is the calm in the storm. He is the hand holding you up in the midst of chaos. He is there. He is here. I want to encourage you dear reader that it is ok to not be ok sometimes. You don't always have to know your next move, or how to react to circumstances. And as a good friend of mine reminds me often. Jesus wept. He cried, it's ok for us to cry. It is not a weakness or a burden to Him. It is ok. Because God loves us so much that he weeps too. Stay in your Word dear friends. Hugs from a far as we get through this life together by the grace of God.