There are moments in life where we feel we have it together, and then there are the moments where we have no idea what we are doing. We bounce from thought to thought with no direction. Even our moments sometimes feel as if they have slowed. We at time find it hard to communicate our thoughts or feelings. Feeling numb and raw at the same time. Not sure where we are suppose to go emotionally or physically. But there is a constant in this hazy fog we are in, . . . .God. He is unchanging and unwavering. He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow. We can not shock Him, He sees it before it has happened. His love is a constant even when we are a drift. It doesn't mean we won't ever feel foggy or confused. That our eyes won't push our tears beyond our control. But He is still there. He is the calm in the storm. He is the hand holding you up in the midst of chaos. He is there. He is here. I want to encourage you dear reader that it is ok to not be ok sometimes. You don't always have to know your next move, or how to react to circumstances. And as a good friend of mine reminds me often. Jesus wept. He cried, it's ok for us to cry. It is not a weakness or a burden to Him. It is ok. Because God loves us so much that he weeps too. Stay in your Word dear friends. Hugs from a far as we get through this life together by the grace of God. 

        Words, words, the world is full of words. Many say nothing at all. Some just said to fill space. Too many. I feel overwhelmed by speech lately. As if I have forgotten how to communicate properly. My brain wanders within its self constantly, and I feel it is a burden to pretend I am in the present. Many times I will shake my head in the middle of a conversation, thinking somehow it will bring be into the present moment. To somehow break the chains that hold me in my mind. Many times I will blame it on "mom brain" or lack of coffee when I ask you to repeat something over again to me. I notice myself avoiding eye contact constantly. Worried that you can see the crazy I'm trying to hide. The lack of sleep because anxiety loves to visit in the night, keeping me up for hours. My mind won't ever rest, keeping me constantly exhausted. I wonder if I have somehow lost me. If I will someday turn back into the happy girl that laughed a lot. If there will be a time where I can look back and see how far I have come. And that right there is what keeps me going. I do have hope that this will end, and I will be a better version of who I was.  I believe I will laugh without effort again. That this terrible anxiety will release my heart and mind. I have hope in a new day. I have hope in a healing only God can provide. I have hope. I also want you to have hope. I want you to see that that I am in the middle of this chaos, and emotional healing. That I hurt and feel heavy, but I know I will heal and you will too. I pray my journey through these rocky roads I am traveling now can help you. That sharing my personal emotional struggle can make you not feel so alone. That we can be Christians, and still struggle with emotional trauma, depression, and anxiety. That its ok for us to get help. That its ok to not be ok. I know my sweet husband didn't sign up for this to be me right now. I thank God for him and his support. And to my friends that just let me be quiet, or let me cry, thank you. To those in this struggle right now, I get it.  Don't let the devil silence you. Get help, find someone to talk to. The hardest step is the first. This is only my advice, and I send my prayers. Let God be your guide. Much love friends look up, there is hope.

    I have kicked, spit on, and hated her. I have told her she is worthless, weak, and disgusting. I have not let her say what's on her mind. I have edited and held her back. I have photoshopped a smile on her face while she was drowning in self hatred. I have told her she is unlovable. I have starved her, and told her that her hunger pains were a punishment for her ugliness. I made her believe no one would love her. That no matter how hard she tried she would fail at any and every task. That she could trust no one, and had to earn all their approval. I convinced her that others opinions of her matter more than anything. I made her believe that she deserved all this punishment and more.
      And you know what? She believed me. She not only believed these lies, she taught others that they should believe them too. She accepted the physical and verbal abuse from others. She spent countless hours picking apart every ounce of her physical appearance and personality. She never felt good enough. She was always lonely, sad, and depressed. If by chance someone saw her true inner beauty and commented on it she would disregard it as a lie, and move on. Pretty soon I didn't need to involve myself in this battle because she took it over. She was the accuser and punisher all in one. She berated herself, she took on all the lies as truths and filled her heart with them. 
     Then one fateful day she let her mind wander. She wondered what it would be like if she didn't believe these things. What if all that she believed to be true about herself were really lies. What if the truth was the opposite of what she thought? That's when I started to loose my grip. . . . . 
      She decided to read about what the Creator said about her, not her mind. In a quiet desperate moment she prayed. . . . 
      "God, please show me who you say I am, because I don't know anymore."
      A simple prayer, but to the Creator it was a melody to His ears. So she started reading.  What she found in that book was truth, grace, and freedom. The lies I had told her started to fade in the background. One by one she stopped believing what I had told her. She started to speak more. She started laughing and being happy. I was furious, all this hard work to keep her down was failing. So I tried tripping her. I made her world crumble little by little. I took people out of her life thinking it would devastate her, but to my frustration God put more in. Next thing I knew she had an army beside her! Any lie I would try slip in she had four truths she would throw back! She started calling me a liar. Telling me to shut up! Can you believe it?! Who did she think she was?! She started telling others I was a liar, and not to believe me. She was really pissing me off! 
      So I threw all I had at her. I threw sickness, stress, worry, and every emotional burden I could think of. I wreaked havoc on her mind. I brought every bad memory to the surface of her mind. By the time I was done I was exhausted, . . . .  spent.  . . . .but it was worth it when  she started to cry.
      Yes! I thought, finally! Get her back to where I had her. I sat back and watched my handy work. Feeling quite happy with myself I looked at her with a sneer. That ought to teach you I thought. . . . . But it was not done. . . . .
      Wait . . . .what?!!! I had to rub my eyes to check that I was seeing correctly. I still heard her tears, but she wasn't alone. Her army that He had built for her was there! They were picking her up and wiping her tears. They were reminding her of all the truths, and that she wasn't alone.
     She stood up, so I tried to knock her down again, but somehow she was stronger!!!! How is this possible? 
      Not only was she stronger, but she was madder than a hornet. She came at me guns blazing. She spoke truth. She lived truth, and she loved with her whole heart. Her heart, the one thing I had worked so hard to break. Now it was healthy and filled to the brim with love and hope.
        Hope. I hate that word because I know its connected to "Him". the One on High. I now know who she got her strength from. Where all of her army got it. That's why they are stronger than me.
     Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up completely. I still got some curve balls ahead for her, but if she keeps building that faith I don't know if I can break her.
  

Obviously, you can tell this is about me. It is my story. My life.  Many of you know me now, not how I was. This is my way of sharing the realness of life. This is dedicated to my army, (you know who you are), thank you!!! Read your bible friends. Devotions are nice and sweet, but armor yourselves with the truth. Don't believe the lies anymore. Much love and prayers friends. 
​Devonne Ramer 

     I know I am a broken person. Broken and healed, (by God's grace), time and time again. But some days I truly feel it. Broken. As if my insides are made of very thin glass. One wrong turn, or  slight breeze may destroy all I hold together. And try as I may I feel suspended in time, afraid to move or I will start to crack. And one small crack is all it takes for all I'm holding in to break.
     Broken. We have all felt that way from one time or another. Old wounds or new ones festered and blistered. I think I have had a false impression, or idea that when you trust and believe in God you don't worry or hurt the same anymore. I am learning for me personally I don't believe that anymore. The realization hit me the other day. Let me get a little personal here so I can explain . . . . My mother is scheduled for a major heart surgery coming up very soon. She has had one before, 20 years ago to be exact, and we almost lost her that time. I won't get into all the details because I don't want to think about it, even though my mind had been replaying it over and over in my mind for the last month. Needless to say it was a scary time, and we are so blessed to still have her with us.
      So as it's been getting closer and closer to this date my heart has felt a little more broken. I have been hard on myself to stay unemotional, because after all I trust God and He's got it under control. But last night as I finally allowed myself some quiet time to think about it, and  . . .  I broke. I felt ripped in two. And I cried. I cried and sobbed so hard and so long I didn't know if I could stop. As tears kept coming I cried out to God. I told Him I trust in Him but I'm still scared. That I can't erase these terrible nightmares and images from the past. And I told Him I was sorry I was crying. (Yes I actually prayed that). It was then that I remembered a verse. "We are made in His image." I finally realized that He  understood my emotions better than me. That it was ok to be scared, it didn't mean I had less faith. In that moment I allowed myself to fully break because I truly believe the healer Christ Himself was holding me. 
     So it's ok to be broken like me. Just because we break doesn't mean we can't be put back together again. It doesn't mean the pain will last forever. But I also think it's ok to  acknowledge it, give it to God, and when the tears fall please know He is holding you.

      I can go days, sometimes months without writing, just absorbing details of everyday life to write down for another day. Then there are days, like today, when I feel I cannot type quick enough.
    I want to share something that has been on my heart for awhile now, but was really driven home today. . . .  I need to remember to look past me. What do I mean by that? Not just see my needs, my wants, my problems, but look past myself. As you know, I am a bit of a story teller, and  I normally have a story that helps me understand something I feel God is trying to teach me, so here it goes. . . . . 
     I was waiting patiently in the restroom waiting for my son to finish up. It was just me in there. A woman came in to wash her hands. She started washing her neck as well. I made small talk with her because those of you who know me know I talk to everyone. She started to talk about why she was washing her neck. She had just come from a throat ultra sound. She has throat cancer, . .again. She also found out she might loose her last vocal cord meaning she could potentially loose her voice. 
      Let that sink in for a  moment. No voice. Finding a whole other way to communicate. How would you handle that? 
      She stated she is just trying to stop crying so she could go back to work. I swear I thought I could hear my own heart crack at her story. And yet it wasn't just a story, this was her reality. I asked her if I could hug her and she said yes. I asked if I could pray for her and she said yes. I said a quick prayer for peace and for her to have a beautiful day feeling loved. I let her go and she continued to talk some more. Her thoughts, and fears if this potential diagnoses, and I listened. I encouraged her in taking time for herself only when there was a long pause. But mostly I listened. I looked past me, and what I saw was someone hurting that needed to talk. I didn't care if I would be late to my own appointment. It didn't matter in that moment because I needed to look past me. After about 20 minutes she gave me a hug goodbye and left. I said I would keep her in my prayers and thoughts.
     Why is this important? Why do I feel compelled to share this story? Because what would happen if we all looked past us a little more often?  Here I was for my sons ear infection appt while this woman may never be able to tell her children she loves them again. How small our problems seem when we look past ourselves. When we take the blinder off that make us just see our needs, our wants, our desires. And more than that, looking outside ourselves and just listening to someone. Just listen. No advice, sometimes not even a word of encouragement is needed. Just listen. It's a hurting word out there. We need to be the light God created us to be so we can shine for Him. If we can lighten someone's load isn't it worth it? So lets look past ourselves more often. Take off the blinders, and be a light in the dark word.

Mathew 5:14 You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Blessing my friends, and I pray God helps you shine your light for Him. Much love and many prayers as always, Devonne Ramer​

     Imagine you are on a boat with your child. Now imagine your child falls in the water. Fear envelops you. As far as you reach, your arms can not grasp them. The water is deep, and they are scared. Unless they get help death is inevitable. Out of the corner of your eye you see a life ring bouy within your reach. Do you throw it to them, or just keep watching?
     You are probably thinking this is a bit mellow dramatic Devonne. Of course you would give them a device that would save their life, no question. Why did I feel the need to give you that visual? Well lets change it a bit. What if the deep waters they were drowning in  was guilt and shame, and the bouy was self forgiveness. What if you forgot to throw them the bouy. Maybe you forgot it was there.
     And here comes the part where I relate my ever so random analogy to a life lesson I learned recently. . . . . 
     His big blue eyes looked up at me. They were red and swollen from crying. I could see his heart broken in front of me. His sunken shoulders gave him the look that he had just been beaten. With shaky breath he said to me, "Mom, I'm trying not to off myself right now." It was a statement. As the sentence left his lips I couldn't believe what he was saying. His beautiful life flashed in a moment before my eyes. All the moments big and small. Sure, he had messed up. He had lied. He was in trouble, but did he really think that that really called for death?! I realized in that moment that I had taught him about Christs forgiveness of sins. I had taught him how we, his parents, will always forgive him. But had I taught him, or even talked about how to forgive himself?  And there was that bouy sitting on the boat that I had forgotten to mention. I wrapped my big boy up in my arms as quick as I could. I prayed quickly that my words would be the Lords and bury deep in his heart. "Son, those feelings are not from the Lord. You have a good heart, and it is broken right now. You are sorry, and you are forgiven Now you need to forgive yourself, and sometimes that's the hardest part." We cried together, and we prayed together. We talked about that bouy that had been there all along. Our children have a lot of pressure on them. As young Christian men and women this world is a scary place. Do they know they will make mistakes? Do they know to forgive themselves? Have we taught them? 
     I do not share this to embarrass my child. I write because for some time now I have felt I needed to share this with my Christian mamas. Because I never want anyone to hear those words out of their kiddos lips. Let us teach them to forgive their mistakes. Acknowledging that it is hard to forgive ourselves, but with Christs help we can. 
      Many prayers moms. Don't forget the bouy is there.

      We talk a lot about grace in the church. How by His grace we are saved. Romans 3:24 NIV And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  That is just one of many verses in the bible that cover the grace Christ has gifted us. Not by our own merit are we saved. Nothing we can do can earn such as this. 
    I wrote a blog post awhile back titled "And Then There Was Grace," in that post I wrote about giving ourselves grace when we mess up. I want to share yet another aspect of grace that I personally find the hardest. (Although Grace in general is a tough concept for our human minds to wrap around). It is extending grace to others.
      I will tell you, for me, extending grace to strangers is much easier than family and friends. We have certain expectations of these individuals we surround ourselves with. Especially our fellow Christians. We expect them to act a certain way because they know better, right?! And yet I fear all too often I miss the point. I forget we are all sinners. As Paul says, "I die to sin daily." Basically, there isn't a day that goes by that I haven't made a mistake. Sure, some days I make big ones, some days small, but not one day goes by that I am perfect, or deemed worthy of the grace I have been gifted. So why do I withhold grace from others when they sin against me?
      Now please don't misconstrue my words here. This in no way means that extending grace means there are no consequences to actions. It also doesn't mean we should take abuse over and over. We can extend grace without accepting the behavior. I think sometimes I feel like extending grace means I accept their behavior, and I am saying it's ok. That is not what it means. I am still learning this. I, like you, am still living through teachable moments in this life. What we can hold onto as a child of God is that when we go through these times, to see what we can learn from Christ. Maybe sometimes we just need to lean on Christ, hold His hand so He can guide us to make the right decisions.  Do not have a false belief that the right decision is the easiest. Honestly, most times it is the hardest, but has the best outcome.
        I hope as you read this it touched your heart. I know God knows who will read, and who needs this. Through my writing I learn more about myself and Christ. Who He is, and who He has called me to be. Prayers for all of you. May His grace be with you!