Words, words, the world is full of words. Many say nothing at all. Some just said to fill space. Too many. I feel overwhelmed by speech lately. As if I have forgotten how to communicate properly. My brain wanders within its self constantly, and I feel it is a burden to pretend I am in the present. Many times I will shake my head in the middle of a conversation, thinking somehow it will bring be into the present moment. To somehow break the chains that hold me in my mind. Many times I will blame it on "mom brain" or lack of coffee when I ask you to repeat something over again to me. I notice myself avoiding eye contact constantly. Worried that you can see the crazy I'm trying to hide. The lack of sleep because anxiety loves to visit in the night, keeping me up for hours. My mind won't ever rest, keeping me constantly exhausted. I wonder if I have somehow lost me. If I will someday turn back into the happy girl that laughed a lot. If there will be a time where I can look back and see how far I have come. And that right there is what keeps me going. I do have hope that this will end, and I will be a better version of who I was. I believe I will laugh without effort again. That this terrible anxiety will release my heart and mind. I have hope in a new day. I have hope in a healing only God can provide. I have hope. I also want you to have hope. I want you to see that that I am in the middle of this chaos, and emotional healing. That I hurt and feel heavy, but I know I will heal and you will too. I pray my journey through these rocky roads I am traveling now can help you. That sharing my personal emotional struggle can make you not feel so alone. That we can be Christians, and still struggle with emotional trauma, depression, and anxiety. That its ok for us to get help. That its ok to not be ok. I know my sweet husband didn't sign up for this to be me right now. I thank God for him and his support. And to my friends that just let me be quiet, or let me cry, thank you. To those in this struggle right now, I get it. Don't let the devil silence you. Get help, find someone to talk to. The hardest step is the first. This is only my advice, and I send my prayers. Let God be your guide. Much love friends look up, there is hope.
A mom trying to see the world through Gods eyes, while raising two crazy boys in the process.
in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.