I know I am a broken person. Broken and healed, (by God's grace), time and time again. But some days I truly feel it. Broken. As if my insides are made of very thin glass. One wrong turn, or slight breeze may destroy all I hold together. And try as I may I feel suspended in time, afraid to move or I will start to crack. And one small crack is all it takes for all I'm holding in to break.
Broken. We have all felt that way from one time or another. Old wounds or new ones festered and blistered. I think I have had a false impression, or idea that when you trust and believe in God you don't worry or hurt the same anymore. I am learning for me personally I don't believe that anymore. The realization hit me the other day. Let me get a little personal here so I can explain . . . . My mother is scheduled for a major heart surgery coming up very soon. She has had one before, 20 years ago to be exact, and we almost lost her that time. I won't get into all the details because I don't want to think about it, even though my mind had been replaying it over and over in my mind for the last month. Needless to say it was a scary time, and we are so blessed to still have her with us.
So as it's been getting closer and closer to this date my heart has felt a little more broken. I have been hard on myself to stay unemotional, because after all I trust God and He's got it under control. But last night as I finally allowed myself some quiet time to think about it, and . . . I broke. I felt ripped in two. And I cried. I cried and sobbed so hard and so long I didn't know if I could stop. As tears kept coming I cried out to God. I told Him I trust in Him but I'm still scared. That I can't erase these terrible nightmares and images from the past. And I told Him I was sorry I was crying. (Yes I actually prayed that). It was then that I remembered a verse. "We are made in His image." I finally realized that He understood my emotions better than me. That it was ok to be scared, it didn't mean I had less faith. In that moment I allowed myself to fully break because I truly believe the healer Christ Himself was holding me.
So it's ok to be broken like me. Just because we break doesn't mean we can't be put back together again. It doesn't mean the pain will last forever. But I also think it's ok to acknowledge it, give it to God, and when the tears fall please know He is holding you.
Broken. We have all felt that way from one time or another. Old wounds or new ones festered and blistered. I think I have had a false impression, or idea that when you trust and believe in God you don't worry or hurt the same anymore. I am learning for me personally I don't believe that anymore. The realization hit me the other day. Let me get a little personal here so I can explain . . . . My mother is scheduled for a major heart surgery coming up very soon. She has had one before, 20 years ago to be exact, and we almost lost her that time. I won't get into all the details because I don't want to think about it, even though my mind had been replaying it over and over in my mind for the last month. Needless to say it was a scary time, and we are so blessed to still have her with us.
So as it's been getting closer and closer to this date my heart has felt a little more broken. I have been hard on myself to stay unemotional, because after all I trust God and He's got it under control. But last night as I finally allowed myself some quiet time to think about it, and . . . I broke. I felt ripped in two. And I cried. I cried and sobbed so hard and so long I didn't know if I could stop. As tears kept coming I cried out to God. I told Him I trust in Him but I'm still scared. That I can't erase these terrible nightmares and images from the past. And I told Him I was sorry I was crying. (Yes I actually prayed that). It was then that I remembered a verse. "We are made in His image." I finally realized that He understood my emotions better than me. That it was ok to be scared, it didn't mean I had less faith. In that moment I allowed myself to fully break because I truly believe the healer Christ Himself was holding me.
So it's ok to be broken like me. Just because we break doesn't mean we can't be put back together again. It doesn't mean the pain will last forever. But I also think it's ok to acknowledge it, give it to God, and when the tears fall please know He is holding you.
