Musings of a Christian Housewife

Last Look Back

7/22/2020

You are not here traveling this road with me
I look behind and no longer see your silhouette.
Its been awhile since I checked.
I want you to know I will no longer be looking back.
My path is lit up ahead and I choose to go forward.
Do not misunderstand.
There is no hate or anger in my heart towards you.
I wish you no ill will.
We are just not meant to walk this way together.
The past is done and gone.
I have retired my shovel.
No more digging up things that should stay buried.
Letting go is the best thing I have ever done.
If ever you happen to come across my path I will greet you,
but I will keep moving.
For as much as I have forgiven,
I also do not wish to repeat.

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The Day My Brain Broke

7/14/2020

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  I am still unsure if I will share this blog post with you dear readers. If you are reading this then it means after much prayer, and quiet time I have made my decision. As I have stated before, I write to heal. My prayer is and has always been, that in my stories God will help heal what hurts you. I am very passionate about sharing my journey. I pray my words might help shed some light on your path. Not to be "like" me, or have any sense of admiration, but know you are not alone. No matter how scarred, bruised, or hopeless you feel there is a God who loves you more than any words or actions can express.
   Writing this now many emotions sweep over my soul. The emotional bruises have faded, and stitches are healing, but there is an ache that reminds me of the things I have wanted to forget. I remember the exact moment. I didn't know it would hit so hard. I now understand that our brains try to help protect us, shelter us from the storm that is coming. Mine had been raging inside for quite sometime. Even now, my hands shake and my heart races. I have to remind myself to breath and that I am safe.
Ever since I can remember I have taken care of others before myself. Never allowing myself to feel anything but hate for myself. Someone one always had it worse was my motto. What I was "feeling" didn't matter and therefore not worth expressing. Besides, who would listen? Even God had better things to do. This was my thought process.
   This August it will be one year since my breakdown. Yes, you read that correctly, breakdown. My brain had had enough, and couldn't take one more second of holding back this dam of emotions I had stuffed it so full of. Here's what last summer look for for me. My youngest had what we thought was a just a cyst removed off his back. Turns out it was a tumor, not cancerous, but so rare that the doctor said in 25 years of being a doctor she had never seen one. OKaaay, so, not cancerous so good right? No so easy, apparently these tumors only grow in clusters and like to grow in, and around the heart, causing many issues for the person. It is related to a genetic disorder called Carney Complex. First step, get heart ultra sound scheduled, then genetic testing. Then the same child had some medial issues downstairs, and two holes in ear drums that needed a 5 hour surgery to repair. At the same time my doctor had found a lump in my breast and wanted me to get a mammogram stat. During a routine dentist appointment the X-ray showed what the thought was a tumor in my oldest gum line. As if that weren't enough my mother was going into her 3rd open heart surgery. Her first one they had nicked an artery, and she almost died. Praise God an amazing nurse, after much nagging, convinced the doctor something was wrong.
A lot for anyone right. Now how about someone who doesn't allow herself to feel, or process, just gets it all done like checking off a list. Saying I was overwhelmed is an understatement. In fact the same day as my moms surgery, I went straight from my youngest doctors appointment to the hospital to wait with my sisters. It got so bad the my youngest who was 10 at the time would cry saying he was so tired of doctors everytime we got in the car. There was no time to process any of this even if I wanted to. So, . . . .my brain broke.
I remember vaguely saying to my husband, "I think I'm going to shut down for a little bit." There were no tears just as if there was a knowing, a sensing of impending doom. And I did. I shut down. I stopped smiling, I didn't talk very much. I couldn't think of simple words to say when speaking. I simply existed without living. It was as if I was living inside my head. The world seemed unhappy and unsafe. My laughter was gone. I felt nothing. I heard nothing. I was nothing.
I now know that my brain knew this was all such a heavy load to carry, and I didn't have to tools to know what to do. So it stopped. This lasted for about two weeks. In those two weeks I still went to all the doctor appointments. I still made dinner for my family every night. To those outside looking in you wouldn't have seen a difference. Only those who truly knew me knew. After the second week my husband made a joke and I smiled. He looked at me and said, "I'm glad you are coming back. If this kept on i was going to take you to the doctors. I was getting really worried." I was surprised, I thought ok, I know I'm not the same bit I'm handling it, just a little more quiet. Now when we talk about those times he shares how worried he was, and how hopeless he felt watching me just exist. His joyful wife that he has known for 16 years was acting like a zombie. Just in writing that down make me cry. Because I know how much my husband loves me, and to watch someone you love go through this and not know what to do stabs at my heart.
So desperate to figure out what to do, and out of answers, I called a therapist and made an appointment. It had been encouraged by a friend of mine off and on for 2 years, I rejected each time saying I didn't need anyone. Out of options, only that road was in front of me.
  Through my first year of therapy I have learned that I really, I mean really, hated myself. I also realized that I have taken a lot of bullets for people in my past, and yet never took time to repair the damage they caused. I learned that I didn't allow myself to feel because there was so much hurt in my past, I was fearful I would feel it again. I have learned that for every hard thing I get through in therapy I am a little bit stronger. I learned it is ok to mourn losses of relationships, good or bad. Lastly, that it's ok to take time to heal.
So, medically, . . . my youngest just had his ear surgery, and healing wonderfully. No tumors in heart. Still have to get genetic testing done. My oldest, we are still watching the gum line, but think it probably is fine, might just be a piece of a tooth. My mammogram came back wonderfully. And My mother just celebrated her 1 year anniversary of her surgery. She's doing great!
   I know now that my story is not over. I know God has given me this mission in life to love others, He just had to help me learn how to love myself. I'd like to thank my Savior for His perfect timing, and helping me with the words to write this out. For teaching me to forgive and keep shinning.

Thank you friends who helped have helped hold my hand through this journey.
S.S., S.L., L.L., N.H.
You know who you are.
And to my Sarapy, thank you for untangling the mess that was Devonne. All my love.

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Where Do I Even Begin . . . . ?

6/2/2020

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   I thought about putting a picture at the top of this blog post as I normally do, but really what picture could represent what is going on in the world right now. Where do I even begin? Should I start at the level at which fear has gripped our hearts and inserted itself into our daily routine? Or maybe I should start at the hate I see all around me, to which even I am having a hard time processing how deep it resides? How opinions are no longer tolerated, how if you disagree you are the enemy? Where do I even begin?
      As I sit here typing, never in a million years did I think this is the world I would raise my children in. How do I explain this to them? Where do I even begin?
      I guess I should start at the beginning. . . . a man, a son, a sacrifice for us all. A town, a country, a nation, hating Him yelling, "crucify!" Innocence being persecuted at the highest level, hate enveloping hearts like black mold. This is where I choose begin, but not where I will end. I will end with focusing the third day after His death. May we remember the resurrection, the whole story. The grace freely given, the hope, and the light. For if we believers in Christ give up who else will share? If we only point out the evil, and do not share the light what good are we? If we judge so harshly those who oppose our views how are we showing grace?
      Will you follow with me? Where we will begin at the beginning, but will not end there.

I pray for you dear readers. Let us keep shinning Christs light towards ourselves and others. Let us keep looking towards the One who loves us ALL unconditionally.
Much love my friends, Devonne Ramer

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Parenting, . . . The Ultimate Escape room

2/26/2020

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Escape rooms are all the rage lately. Doesn't do it for me. The thought of not being able to figure out a task right away frustrates me to no end. (I'm a recovering perfectionist). I started thinking about them the other day and started laughing as I thought about being a parent. Some days parenting can feel like an escape rooms.
   There are going to be times where you aren't sure what the right answer is. Your going to be confused. You may feel as if you are wandering around in the dark with no flash light. It's a puzzle you need to figure out. On top of trying to figure it our, sometimes we have "helpful" tips given to us by strangers or friends on our parenting practices. They have been through the "escape room" before, here's what they did.
   While many mean well, as a young mother these were hard for me to take. I was so hard on myself already, that many of these "tips" came across as harsh and judgmental. I thought great, they can see I'm failing at this as well.
   Here are some things that I wish someone would have told me when my kids were younger. Number one being, every escape room, (child), is different. The rest are listed below.
God choose you to be your child's mother.
He believes in you, even when you don't.
Your reaction to a situation is your responsibility,
you are not responsible for others judgement of your abilities.
Your children are watching you, and how you handle situations.
They also look to you for comfort and safety,
that is your job.
It doesn't not matter if someone calls it coddling
you may call nurturing, and that is ok.
Try to remember . . .
Not to get defensive.
They probably mean well.
And try not to get not get lost in all the "advice" given.
It's hard enough to be a good mama, please try to remember every child is different, and most of us are just trying to give them what they need. Be kind to yourself and others as we try to figure out our own escape rooms. We need to remind ourselves of this when we are tempted to judge someone else as well. Many blessing friends. You got this mama!

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Think You're Too Old For A New Chapter?

2/12/2020

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I am currently 39 years old. I will admit at times I have felt my life saga was over. Over in the sense of completing what I am suppose to do. Meet wonderful man, check. Get married, check. Have children, check. Okay, so I'm doing it, being a wife and mother, and I love it. I volunteer at school, pack lunches, do laundry, clean house, make dinner. I have to be honest, in the past I have thought, ok, I'm good. Believe me I am not minimizing being a wife and mother. I truly feel it is a calling. One I take seriously, and feel blessed to be called to. If I'm honest, I wonder how often I have limited my use for the kingdom thinking I'm done. I'm too old for a new chapter.
I write to encourage you to remember God is limitless. We are the ones putting limits on what God can do, or who He can use. We let fear whisper doubt in our ears. Do not minimize your potential! You have many missions, this is just one. You affect more than you even know. God has called you. I pray that he gives you the knowledge as to what is your next step.
The world is our mission field, what we decide to do with it is up to us.

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What Bible Are You Reading?

2/6/2020

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Simply put, what are you replacing The Word in your life with? What are you filling your head and heart with? Truth and grace, or narcissistic self love? We should all love ourselves, but are we putting our needs and desires before the Lords will for our life? Are we giving ourselves a pat on the back for our accomplishments, or are we thanking the Lord for our opportunities and gifts he has given us? Have we given God the backseat in our life? Do we need to take a moment and make sure He's driving?
James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. (NIV)

James 3:16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (NIV)
James 4:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving,considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.(ESV)

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Cracked But Not Broken

12/17/2019

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I learned something new the other day, and it helped process and mend some things that were in my heart. In all honesty I learned about it in September, but its taken this long to settle my soul and write. It is called Kintsugi or "golden joinery", it is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with powdered gold , silver , or platinum. The philosophy behind it is that it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.
   This was so profound to me when I heard about it, and even my friend explaining it to me said that it is what God does for us. How true that is, and how much we need to hear it. See, in my struggles I have wanted to give up. Literally and figurately, in any way possible. I was done, over it, and drained. I wanted to start fresh. I wanted a new piece of pottery, because quick frankly repairing something takes time, and energy. It's work. It's much easier to buy something new and start over. But guess what I'm learning. We are way too valuable to be thrown away and start over. We are a treasure to our Lord that He values, and cherished in a way we can't even begin to comprehend. We look at our brokenness and feel regret. We try to repair it with failure and shame. Guess what, that glue doesn't stick. It won't hold, and it's not from the Lord.
   Another reason I believe the Lord does this is to help one another. While we are so busy hiding our scars, The Lord Almighty is coating them in Gold! He is making them more pronounced so we can help others.
   Yes, cracking is painful. I'll be the first to tell you, it is the most heart wrenching, guttural ache you will ever feel. But once the fog lifts, (and it does I promise), you can see His repair job glimmering in the light. So please remember dear friends, you may be cracked right now, but you are never too broken.

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Raw and Exposed

10/3/2019

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Here I go again, crying. Why must I feel so much! Why can't I hold back the tears for one day?! How do I even have any tears left? I am mentally exhausting myself! Am I gonna be like this forever? Why! Why! Why!
That was my inner dialogue a few weeks ago. My frustration and anger were bubbling to the surface. Words sat unspoken around me. These are the moments that are the hardest. The days that I feel like a fraud. The days I question God. Not His existence, or love for me, but that I am good enough to be used for His glory. That my pain will help someone else. But when I get to the point where I want to throw in the towel, delete the blog, button up my lips, I am reminded of David. I feel a kinship towards him, understand him more. The pain in his heart, and confusion in his soul at times. It is as if his emotional cries reach my ears. The frustaration and unfairness of his situation at times. How God never left, but also in those moments I am sure David felt he could never be used for Gods glory. That he was just a human catastrophe like the rest of us, flawed and sinful. Yet what a beautiful story of redemption and forgiveness.
So what do we do when we feel raw and exposed? Use it for Gods glory, and cling to Him during the process. Remind your self of who you are in Christ. Remind yourself that you have purpose. That Gods divine plan is in work. Working through you. Working through me. That painful messy pasts can be turned into beautiful artwork for His glory. And lastly, don't give up. Don't stop speaking truth. Don't stop loving the unlovable. Don't stop living. Don't let the lies of the enemy silence you. God gave you a voice. Use it.

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More Novocain Please!

10/1/2019

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When you have lived a life as I have,((up to this point), changing daily thanks to God, therapy, my husband, and amazing friends), you teach yourself not to "feel" things. That if something "hurts", it is you that is the problem, not the situation. You just FEEL too much. That you are overreacting, and being "too" sensitive. Oh, and my personal favorite I used to use on myself all the time. . . "Just get over it!" (As if its that simple).
   These phrases used to all be part of my inner dialogue, and a major part of my believe system.
Some other lies I believed were, . . .
If you "feel" you hurt.
If you cry you are weak.
If you show emotions you will fail.
No one told me these lies or forced them upon me. In fact, no one talked about emotions at all really, and you know what? We still don't.
    Even in the church I feel we sugar coat some of our sadness and pain with this phrase especially, . . . "Well, so and so has it worse." Can I, just for a moment, let you know that there is no scale on emotional pain. If you hurt, you feel because you are alive. Yes, someone may have it worse, but that doesn't diminish your hurt. There is no scale! (blog post in the works on that one).
    First off, I do believe that God will help us, fight for us, and guide us. He also has an amazing ability to find something in a horrible events that can bring us clarity, or help us shine for Him even brighter. But if we thought about it for a moment, can we recognize that maybe sometimes we, or people we know, use statements to brush off, or aside the pain they are really feeling. And a lot of times we let them, cause lets be honest, sometimes emotions make us uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that so many of us apologize for them, (yes, I'm raising my hand, me too). There are many days that I wanna say bring on the Novocain, and numb it all up again. Because truth be told, feeling is hard, messy, and gosh darn it hurts! But if I could remind you of a verse that the Lord has reminded me of time and time again lately,
      John 11:35 Jesus wept.
Yep, the Creator Himself "felt".
I truly believe when we unnumb, and stop apologizing for feeling, we can have a deeper relationship with Our Heavenly Father and who He created us to be.
   So what do you say?
Will you start to feel with me?

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Why We Need To Stop Rating Emotional Pain

9/28/2019

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   At some point or another in our lives we have all had to answered this question. . . . "On a scale of one to ten what is your pain level?" Whether it was at a regular scheduled doctor appointment, or a scary ER visit. Where ever it has been, we have been instructed to answer with a number to rate our pain. Physical pain. The scale is our own, and the number we pick is of our own choosing. But what about emotional pain? How do we rate that? Can we? In the next few paragraphs I am going to share with you why I believe it is dangerous to rate this type of pain.
   The solution to this problem might not be so easy. We can't just tell ourselves to stop doing something we have done for so long that it has becomes second nature. Why do I feel this habit is concerning? Because when we convincing ourselves that our "feelings" are not as painful because someone else has it worse than us we make ourselves feel uncared for. Then if we have times where we allow ourselves "feel" these emotions, we end up heaping on the guilt because our pain level is only a 5 and so and so has a 10.
   An example of how I personally would deal with this was, I would feel an emotion. I would refuse or deny myself to "feel" it. Pushing it down deep within me. When that stopped working and it would rear its ugly head again, I would have this inner dialogue.
      "I'm so selfish. Others have it so much worse. At least my pain is not physical. I can not believe how weak I am in my faith that I am so emotional.". Then I would wrap up my self berating with a catchy Christian phrase for example "Let go and let God".
   Here's the thing, I truly believed I was being a good Christian in doing this, and I worry a lot of us are doing the same. We Christians take it a step further convincing ourselves that if our faith was stronger we wouldn't feel the hurt we are experiencing. Or we can tend to think we are being prideful in looking at our pain when others have a higher rating than us.
   But here was the problem that I faced/ or rather never faced. The more I ignored the hurt, the more unseen and unloved I felt. By trying to rate my pain by comparing it to others, it was like I was ignoring a fester wound. In trying ignorance I was actually making it bigger and more painful. It was out of self loathing and misguided happy quotes that I thought I was being a good Christian. It wasn't just the pain itself but the inability to feel, and take it to the Lord. As it says in Psalms 68:19 . . . . "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." He will carry them, but we must bring them to Him. To verbalize it and heal, not compare so we can judge ourselves more harshly..
   I have sat with a few grieving friends in my life time. The reactions are very similar, they have all at one point apologized for crying. Let me ask you, why are we so ashamed of our emotional tears? Why do we think that we need to "get over it"? I have been thinking on this for several months, of how I treat my emotions. How I have hid them many times, ashamed of any reminder that they were still present and looming. Then I started thinking about Jesus's tears. How he openly wept when His dear friend Lazarus passed. His tears over His upcoming future. He cried. He felt. And he certainly didn't apologize for His tears either.
      Why do we get so embarrassed when we cry in front of another? Why do we apologize when we feel? For feeling? Because we were created with emotions, (like our Savior), and sometimes they spill to the surface.
   For me, what ended up happening was that I felt ignored and resentful, because I was ignoring myself. I told myself that everyone had it worse in one way, or another so it would be selfish to feel sad, angry, or hurt. Oh yeah, and I had brainwashed myself into believing that if I felt anything but peace I wasn't very strong in my faith.
   Lies, lies, and more lies. At any point when we look at the world we are going to see some type of emotional pain out there. Why do we believe that it makes ours less important. It doesn't make us selfish for feeling our pain. It doesn't lower our "rating."
   Now why do I believe this is important? Because emotional pain is real, and it can hinder us if we don't acknowledge it to heal.
   I know this is my path, and my story. If this helps even one person it is so worth sharing all my flaws and imperfections, even if that person is just me.

Much love and prayers my friends.

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