This is the inside me voice. The one that sits in the back high on its pedestal judging. Judging all my words and actions. "Play the part. Walk the line." The voice that says. . ." you're making it all about you. You talk too much. Shut up already." It vocalizes the doubt I may feel. Hugs the self hatred I hide. Makes it about earning instead of grace given. The old me. The one who lacked self esteem. The one who needed approval.
Yes, I deal with this voice too. But it's just a voice, not a soul. It doesn't speak truth. Just talks. So on the days when it tries to speak up. Or when I doubt and start to listen to it, I will choose to remember why I share my story. Why I am open. Why I air my messy life on the internet.
GRACE! Because of redemption! Because I know how to silence fear now. FAITH. Faith in action. Each time I share, each time I post, I am speaking truth. I am believing in grace. I am punching fear in the face and saying, "NO!" I will not be silent!" I will not pretend that just because I am a Christian I have it together. I will not let the fake me rise again, because I like the real me. I might even love her some day soon, and I believe she is loved. Not because of anything I have done, or will do but what the Savior in heaven has done for me. I hurt, and I bleed. I get confused, feel sad and feel angry. The point is I feel. I have fallen on my face before, and I will again. But next time while I'm down there, . . I will look up. I will sing of His praises. I will pray. I will feel without believing lies. I will live. I will love, and I will share.
I want people to know they are not alone. That anyone can break. Anyone can fall. God will pick you up no matter how many times. With grace. With love. With patience. So as I share, or overshare in these blog posts or face to face. Do not look at me, but the One who rescued me. Saved me. Loves me. Lay down His life for me. For you.
I write my story. My life. To heal and encourage those who need it. A reminder that there is light. There is help. There is a God. One God, and He is calling you.